As we close out 2019 and look to 2020, we often take stock of our year; the good, the bad, and in-between. We vow to make some changes. Eat less. Hug more. Actually vacuum the coils underneath the refrigerator. Obviously, some will happen and some won't.
Something I've heard people say, and have said myself, is to volunteer somewhere. Anywhere. If this is you, let me recommend contacting Good Dads and checking to see if your neighborhood elementary school has an All Pro Dad chapter. Consider helping with the All Pro Dad chapter there . . . and if there isn't one, maybe you can start one! Maybe you have a child at the school, a grandkid, a nephew, or a neighbor. If you attend a church, maybe there’s already a relationship established with a nearby school. That's how I got started.
I didn't have any kids of my own when my church started a chapter at a school, but I jumped right in. Initially, I was just a helper, but slowly became a co-captain. (Teamwork makes the dream work.)
Now, our team is on Year 4 of meeting with kids and parents for breakfast at McGregor Elementary. We recognize many dads and kids. We know the staff at the school. We were politely asked not to give the kids candy before they go to class. You live and you learn, right?
You're probably thinking, that's great, but why should I get involved? There are so many answers to that question, but the simplest is if not you, then who?
This world moves fast. Our culture is so divisive and self-centered, that we all need to chip in. We can make a difference. Our community is like one big quilt. We can either continue to sew it together or let the edges fray. And it's too big of a job for just the government or the schools or the churches or the non-profits. We all have a role to play.
The wonderful thing about being an All Pro Dad Captain is that the barrier to entry is really low. All the material you need to get started is readily available. There are curriculum, discussion ideas, games to play, and even videos to show if you want to use them. Moreover, our school district, Springfield Public Schools, has been very willing to help as much as possible.
What are the desired skills for a Captain, you ask?
So now you know. Being a Captain isn't daunting. The most important thing to remember is that you are a facilitator of a time for kids and their parents to just be together. And in this fast paced world, providing something so small can have a big difference.
Brian Mattson and his wife, Jessica, welcomed a son to their family just over a year ago, to join their 10-year-old Golden Retriever named Albus. Brian is the Director of Worship & Operations at The Downtown Church and in his free time plays and sings in a cover band (Deja Crew), enjoys walks with the family, planning the next great road trip, and quoting Seinfeld episodes.
“Because I want to.”
This was my toddler son’s response to my question about why he had chosen to pee down the heating vent next to the toilet. It wasn’t very reassuring to me, but I’m certain it made a lot of sense to his almost-three-year-old way of thinking.
Toddlers are like that. In just a little over a year they’ve become much more mobile and the world is an exciting place. Because they are not capable of reasoning like an adult, they often try things just to see what will happen, e.g., emptying a container of bath powder into the bathtub just to enjoy the clouds they create in the process. One toddler I know climbed up on a chair to reach a container of Vaseline at a time when his parents thought he was sleeping. He saturated his hair and his brother’s for the sheer joy of smearing the viscose material. Another tried flushing a jump rope down the toilet, only to create a plumbing nightmare for his father.
“This parenting class isn’t working,” the dad exclaimed at the next workshop session, reciting his plumbing woes.
I had to tell him a parenting class isn’t intended to prevent two- and three-year-olds from being inquisitive. A parenting class is intended to help parents know what is normal and how they might respond to their child’s behavior.
Simply put, it’s normal for a toddler to explore her world and be experimental. It’s also normal for them to have very little understanding of the danger they may face or the consequences of their actions. This is why children in this age group require such close supervision. They are capable of creating a lot of trouble for themselves and their parents. They also are curious about many, many things and they like to imitate what they see their parents doing.
This imitative, creative, independent behavior led to an interesting early morning experience for one dad I know. Awakening from a deep sleep he staggered into the kitchen for his morning cup of coffee only to discover his three-year-old son, Ethan, preceded him by half an hour or so. Ethan had opened the freezer, removed a carton of strawberry ice cream, selected a spoon, and trundled off to the bedroom of his twin 15-month-old brothers. The three of them had enjoyed almost the entire contents of the ice cream carton when their dad came upon the scene. The family’s dog was finishing off what remained in the carton on the floor as Ethan proclaimed, “Look Daddy, I fed my brothers ice cream.”
When a parent is faced with a plugged toilet, urine in the heating vent, or a bedroom swathed in strawberry ice cream, it is understandably a frustrating experience. No one likes to clean up a mess and toddlers can create some pretty big messes. At the same time, this behavior is a normal developmental phase. It is part of a child’s cognitive development and is mostly easily avoided by close supervision—though it is definitely not possible to watch them all the time.
It’s important to remember that your child is not deliberately trying to create chaos or make you angry. She is learning. It is entirely appropriate for you, as the parent, to set limits and explain that certain behaviors are not acceptable, e.g. helping one’s self to ice cream without prior permission. Nonetheless, don’t be surprised by new opportunities to teach your young one what is and is not appropriate. Although they can be exasperating some days, they look to you for love and security. Even though it can appear “no” is their favorite word, what you think of them and how you respond really matters. If you learn to have realistic expectations about this stage of your child’s life, you can save yourself a lot of hassle and enjoy your young one in the process.
For more great insights and tips be sure to subscribe to our Good Dads Podcast, and check out this four-part mini-series with three Springfield, MO dads talking about the realities of their toddlers pooping, eating, sleeping, and saying "no!"
Dr. Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Executive Director of Good Dads. She is the wife of one, mother of two and grandmother of eight. She may be reached for question or comment at email@example.com.
You’re on the website and reading this article because you want to be a good dad. Congratulations for making this a priority in your life. Our society needs more guys like you who aren’t satisfied with their current dad skills, but instead want to step up their dad game.
You could probably write a list of the things you do, day in and day out, that make you a good dad, but one skill that you might overlook (and it’s super common) is your marriage. Think about it, if you want to really take your skills to the next level, why not show your kids what being a good husband looks like? I’m not playing Monday morning quarter back. I have three young kids of my own and somedays—more than I’d like to admit—working on my husband game is not on my “to-do” list. But leaning into your marriage is one of the most powerful things you can do for your children. Here’s why. Believe it or not, you’re the lens through which your daughter is going to see her future husband. And you will play a big role in what kind of husband and father your son will grow up to be someday. The stakes are high and each day is an opportunity to speak into whom your children will grow up to be.
Below are three things that you can start doing today that will help you step up your dad game (and your wife won’t mind either)!
You’ve just read three ways you can keep that spark alive in your marriage, even with young children. Maybe you’ll start by taking one of the tips above and trying it out this week, or maybe you are really ambitious and you’ve already planned out how you’re going to start doing it tonight. Remember being a good dad is hard work, but stay committed to your marriage because it changes lives.
Want more insights into keeping the spark alive? Check out this three part Good Dads Podcast with three dads talking about just that topic ➡️ Part I, Part II, and Part III.
Jim Bartok is the pastor at My Church in Ozark, Missouri. He is a follower of Jesus, husband, father of three and a church planter. He loves spending time with his family, being outdoors and helping people encounter Jesus. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Our dog’s name is “Wilson.” Wilson is to me the best dog in the world. And if a dog is a man’s best friend, then Wilson is about the best friend I have ever had.
Wilson likes to go for walks. Wilson likes to listen. Wilson likes me the way I am.
Wilson never judges me. When I come home at night he greets me at the door, wags his tail, and licks my hand. Wilson is a good dog and my best friend.
We named our dog Wilson for two reasons. One, “Wilson” fits our family pattern of names ending in “on” – like Clayton, Aaron, and Jason. Second, Wilson is the name of the volleyball in the 2000 Tom Hanks epic adventure “Cast Away.” The movie is a great portrayal of how each of us needs a friend.
In the movie “Cast Away” Tom Hanks plays the role of a UPS executive whose business flight crashes into the ocean. Tom Hanks is the only survivor and becomes cast away on an uninhabited island. One of the items from the plane crash that washes up on the island is a Wilson brand volleyball.
In one scene Hanks injures his hand and is bleeding. Lashing out, Hanks hits the volleyball with his bloody palm. The bloody palm print forms what looks like a face on the volleyball. Hanks puzzles over the volleyball and the face. Hanks makes a new friend. His name is “Wilson.”
Wilson is a good friend to Hanks. Wilson listens. Wilson is always there.
Each passing day of isolation makes Hanks crazier and crazier. But Wilson accepts Hanks just the way he is. Wilson does not belittle Hanks or bully him. Wilson does not judge Hanks or anything like that. Wilson may not be real but he is a good friend.
As exciting and necessary as friendships are, they can also be difficult. A Good Dad will be there to patiently guide and coach his children. Friendships take kindness and understanding, energy and forgiveness. People are people -- not volleyballs. People are complex, demanding, and make mistakes.
As a Good Dad you have a good position to teach your children to be a good friend. Children need to be taught how to be a friend, how to listen, and how to be kind. You can speak honestly that bullying, discrimination, and unkind words are always unacceptable.
Everybody needs a good friend, someone who will listen, someone who will always be there, and someone who will accept you the way you are. I used to tell my children that if you see someone in the middle of the cafeteria they are not looking for a place to sit down. They are looking for someone to sit with. Help your child be the kind of person who welcomes others to his or her table.
Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran Church in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at email@example.com
I grew up in rural Arkansas surrounded by nature in the Ouachita Mountains. It was beautiful, but it was also poor. Both of my parents worked to keep us afloat. My father worked as a carpenter by day. He was gone before we got up for school and returned in the evening in time for dinner. Many nights, he would leave again to install floor covering as a secondary job and I wouldn’t see him again until the next day. That being said, he still managed to read to my brothers and me as often as he could. I remember him reading the entire Little House series to us as well as a book entitled The Two Little Savages (the problematic nature of the title didn’t occur to me until I considered buying a copy of this book for my own children). In addition to reading, my father would do small projects with us. He was a master of improvised toys. We made stilts, kites, dancing buttons and something he called "fly-flys" (hand carved, wooden propellers glued to a dowel. When you rolled the dowel between your hands, it would fly to the ceiling). He taught us wood craft and survival. He taught us the value of curiosity and the limitless possibility of “messing around.” While my dad’s schedule didn’t allow him to attend a lot of parent-teacher conferences, he stressed the importance of education. If I’m being honest, he helped us understand the inevitability of learning. Everything you do is a learning experience, but not every learning experience is equal of value.
These days, it’s my job to do the teaching. I have two sons, Jacob and Geoff. I could gush about how amazing they are, but what I'd really like to share about is being involved in their education.
Both of my boys are gifted with quick wits and have a natural curiosity that makes them natural learners. However, they have also been saddled with unique burdens. Both of my boys have been diagnosed with ADHD. My eldest also has Non-Verbal Learning Disorder. My youngest has Dyslexia.
The statistics on learning disabilities and school dropout rates boldly illustrate a strong correlation between the two. It should come as no surprise that people whose brains work in different ways than the norm, people who can’t learn in the same way as their classmates, people who need more help, find school to be frustrating at best. At worst it can crush their natural inquisitiveness and self-esteem. I speak from experience. In having the boys diagnosed, I learned a lot about myself. All growing up, I struggled in school. I’ll spare you the gory details, but I received a hefty dose of constructive criticism, a thousand versions of “You’re so bright. If you would just apply yourself . . .” What no one knew was that I was also struggling with my own learning disability. My boys came by it fairly.
I managed to graduate high school and even completed two college degrees, but my self-esteem took a beating and I still struggle with self doubt and imposter syndrome. Were it not for the positive influence of my parents--my dad especially--my life would have taken a far different course. The mission I have taken upon myself is to shield my boys from the psychological damage I suffered, to get them through school with their heads held high.
When the guys were really young, my wife was the primary wage earner and I was the primary caretaker. I was working on my Master’s degree in Library Science but we still spent a lot of time doing fun learning, the kind of stuff dad did with me except more urban. We lived in cities (St. Louis, Richmond, Louisville) and that environment made for different experiences and fun adventures. For example, in St. Louis at the time, there was a five stop free ride zone on the MetroLink during lunch hour. For a couple of toddlers, it might as well be an amusement ride. We would ride the train back and forth between Union Station and the Eads Bridge. We went to the (all free!) zoo, park, and several libraries. And we read. Books, books, books. We read board books and picture books and chapter books. We read about hobbits and dragons and castles. We read about hidden worlds and ancient civilizations and dinosaurs. We read about plants and animals. We read about history and geography. We read funny books and serious books. After we moved to Virginia, I finished my degree and got a full time job at the Chesterfield County Public Library. We enrolled the boys in day care.
This was a change, but not a huge one. Their daycare had a pretty good blend of fun and education. I dropped them off in the morning and picked them up in the afternoon. I made a point to know their teachers, their classmates, and the staff. This rapport made it very easy to keep up with them even when I was not around them all day. I missed them but life goes on.
In the fall of ‘08 Jacob entered kindergarten. During a parent/teacher conference, his teacher mentioned she was beginning to suspect Jacob might have some sort of learning disability. She pointed out that he was obviously bright and gregarious but he was also lagging behind his peers on some tasks. She said it wasn’t having much of an impact yet, but she noticed that he noticed. She stated, as kindly as possible, that she feared it would undermine his self-confidence and she advised us to have him screened.
He had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once.”
Later that fall my wife, who worked for Circuit City corporate offices, was let go. It was part of a cost saving measure to keep the company afloat (this failed and the company collapsed entirely the following January). This was the beginning of a tough couple of years for the world and our family. My wife was out of work for seven months. We spent our entire savings and dipped deep into our retirement. When she did find work, it was so far away that I was forced to leave my job. We moved. We gave up our house. We started accepting food from a local charity. We eventually filed for bankruptcy. The upside, shocking as it might be, was that I was able to spend a lot more time with the boys.
My dad helped me see this silver lining when he came to visit us once. I was complaining about our sorry financial state and that I had been unable to find a job in our new city. He told me to cherish this time. I thought he was nuts. He said that he missed most of my growing up because, as poor as my little family was at that moment, we had a place to live and food to eat. My wife's new job came with insurance. We were doing okay. He was still teaching me things.
When the dust settled, we were able to get Jacob properly screened. By this time he was in second grade. After a lengthy conversation about processing speeds, age appropriate development, standard deviations and the like, the psychologist told us that Jacob had Attention Deficit Disorder. She said that, because of his intelligence, he was able to compensate better than most, but she warned us he would most likely need intervention and assistance in the future. The greatest thing she gave us, however, was a set of tools to work with Jacob’s (and later Geoffrey’s) teachers. She gave us language and tips to help us win over Jacob’s teachers and reduce the potential resentment that could arise from our strong involvement and advocacy in his education.
We eventually moved to Springfield to be closer to family where Jacob received his second diagnosis of Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, adding additional challenges to an already challenging school career. Geoff officially started school the following fall and, as you might expect, at a parent/teacher conference one of his teachers pointed out that he was falling behind in reading. This led to Geoff’s diagnoses of dyslexia and ADHD.
That was eight years ago. We have been to a lot of meetings, talked to a lot of teachers and administrators, asked for accommodations, and insisted our boys be treated as complex whole persons. I wish I could tell you how everything worked out, but the work is still in progress. What I can tell you is that being kinda nosey, bugging my kids about their school activities, homework and the like, being an active and engaged father interested in learning together, has created a ton of trust.
The lessons from my father about the importance and fun of learning have been the foundation from which I have been able to build a strong relationship with my sons, supporting them in their own learning, and in life. It has permeated every aspect of our relationship and we are stronger for it.
Shannon Wortham is dad to two sons and a librarian for the Springfield-Greene County Library District.
My name is Kyle, I’m a librarian, a dad, and soon to be Charlee’s husband. My son (5) and her two daughters (5 & 3) blend into our family of three kids and a rascally-rescued hound named Radar. Books have played a major role in our family from the very beginning. Charlee and I met at the library. We got to know each other by discussing books we’ve read, authors we both liked, and suggesting future reads. So, it should be no surprise that we both place a high value on reading to our kids.
I started reading to my son as soon as he was born. As an infant, he was just a captive audience who couldn’t even hold up his own head, let alone run away from me clumsily reading Maurice Sendak for the tenth time (Where the Wild Things Are is still one of my favorite books). I read to him so young because exposing kids to books, even as infants, familiarizes them with voices and even begins to build the structures for syntax in their rapidly developing brains. As he got older he loved being read to so much I became captive to his insatiable hunger to read Green Eggs and Ham by Doctor Seuss for the tenth straight night.
Story time is among the most precious moments spent with my son. It is bonding time. It is virtually the only time during the day he slows down enough to tolerate being snuggled. Throughout all of the familial transitions we faced, books and reading together at bedtime were a constant source of reassurance and comfort for both of us. Every night we read together was a lesson for both us that our relationship was stable and reliable, regardless of the changes in our family structure.
While I was getting to know my new daughters, I thought it was important to give them room and let them come to me. At first there was a lot of the discerning glances and giggling games of peek-a-boo from their hiding spot behind Charlee’s knees. Several stages followed including the you-may-give-us-candy stage; the you-may-sit-next-to-us-with-food stage; and the you-may-swing-us stage. All were positive steps, and I was delighted at each step the girls’ took with me. However, it was a huge milestone for me when they crawled into my lap clutching their favorite books and asked me to read to them. I knew this indicated a new level of trust and acceptance.
Equally monumental was the first time that the five of us sat crumpled in a pile on the floor as a family to read together before bed. Some nights the sibling conflict is just too real. On those nights we read separately, and that’s okay, but as often as possible we all get together and read at night before bed. We do it because we want to feed their curiosity about reading; we want to support their future success; and, most of all, we do it because it is time devoted to bonding our new family together. The kids get to know each other discussing each others’ favorite characters and theorizing about what will happen next. They grow closer and more comfortable with each other as they smush together and share our laps to see the illustrations.
We have also learned that books can unlock our kids from their anxieties. Our son did not adapt well to day care, so before he started kindergarten summer school we checked out The Pigeon has to Go to School! by Mo Willems from the library. Every night for three weeks it was his favorite book at our house and summer school became less of an anxiety trigger for him.
After a particularly grueling weekend of sibling bickering, tattling, and tears, Charlee brought home Even Superheroes have Bad Days by Shelly Becker. The kids enjoy playing superheroes together, and the book illustrates superheroes have bad days too and how they process different emotions. Obviously, it wasn’t an instant panacea, but it gave us a framework in which to talk to the kids at their level about emotions like anger and sadness.
Books are a skeleton key that unlock doors and empower children to be more successful. Reading to children and having age-appropriate books in the house are the most important factors in assuring healthy language development and determining future academic success. Regularly reading to your children is also time spent nurturing and showing them affection. There is literally no downside to the time you spend with your children and books. If you don’t believe me, check out “FiftyTop Literacy Statistics” at ferstreaders.org. They’ve dug through all of the child literacy studies for you and compiled a truly eye-opening list of reasons to read to your children.
Kyle Evans is dad to three and reference associate for the Springfield-Greene County Library District.
From the time they are very young, children often love nothing better than to have a parent read to them. It doesn’t matter how many times they’ve heard the same story, if they’re younger than three or four, they want to hear the same tale again, and again, and again. Some parents will tell you they’ve read the same book so many times, they could recite it by memory. Try skipping a page in an effort to hurry up bedtime and parents will tell you their child has the story memorized as well. “You skipped a part,” they’ll protest. “Don’t miss those pages.”
Perhaps it’s sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, or on daddy’s lap, that endears young children to the miracle of reading. Maybe it’s the magic of imagination as parent and child explore new worlds and funny people together. When parents use different voices and pause for dramatic effect, the mystery and enchantment is not lost on their offspring. Who doesn’t like the anxious anticipation of a scary story while cuddled up with someone bigger and stronger who will protect them and help them be brave?
Reading with young children on a regular occasion has great benefits when it becomes part of a family’s routine. Parents and children benefit from a time of calm and closeness. Memories are made and traditions are born. But other important things are also occurring when parents make the time to read with their offspring.
Reading is a foundational skill to your child’s success. With the exception of active play, nearly every other activity depends on a child’s ability to decode letters and make meaning of words and sentences. Science, history and any kind of language arts depend on it. Even math requires a child be able to read and make sense of written instructions and word problems. Simply put, children who learn to enjoy reading and do it well, usually do better in school.
What Can a Good Dad Do?
There are many things a father can do to encourage good reading habits in his child. These include the following:
Model reading for your child, i.e., let him see you reading. It doesn’t matter what—a magazine, manual or book—even something on your notebook. The important thing is they observe their dad reading.
Take your child to a library or bookstores. Introduce your child to the world of books. Allow her to lead you to what she finds interesting.
Read to your child. Establish a routine that includes regular reading to or with your child.
Make reading fun. When you read to your child, use funny voices and dramatic pauses. Help them see what an enjoyable activity reading can be.
What about Dads-at-a-Distance?
Some dads travel for work and are gone from home many evenings of the week. Others are deployed. Some drive an over-the-road truck. Dads like this have an additional challenge when it comes to encouraging their child’s reading success, but today more than ever before it’s easier for them to establish helpful reading habits with their child. Consider the following:
Modeling: It may be more difficult for your child to see you read, but you can certainly talk about what you’re reading. Find out what books are being assigned at school—particularly when your child starts with chapter books in second or third grade and follow along with them. This will help them see you’re interested in what they’re learning and help you ask better questions about their homework.
In Person: When you are at home, make time to visit a library or bookstore, in addition to reading with them yourself. When dad uses his precious time at home to include 20-30 minutes of a reading-related activity, he speaks volumes to his child about its importance.
Use Social Media: Thanks to the internet, you and your child can both hear and see each other even when separated by hundreds of miles. There’s no reason a dad cannot read a book to his child via FaceTime every night, or listen to a budding reader practice his new skill while listening from afar. Consider buying two of the same book or borrowing one copy from the library. In this way, a child can follow along, while dad reads even if the internet connection doesn’t allow visual contact.
Reading is important to a child’s academic success, but it can also be the basis for many happy and positive memories between parent and child. Why not choose one new reading-related activity to create new memories for you and your child, while also strengthening the likelihood of his success at school?
“If you had told me a year ago that I would have what I do today, I wouldn’t have believed it.”
This is the way James Mincks talks about the remarkable changes in his life allowing him to be the kind of man and father he wants to be to his sons today.
James’ story is not an easy one. It contains many setbacks, including his dropping out of high school, becoming addicted to meth and serving a period of incarceration. Although he spent some time caring for his sons when they were very young and their mother was working, he admits he “was just there” and not really engaged with his children. His addiction and a number of poor choices led to his conviction as a felon and time spent in the Department of Corrections. In July 2018, he “home planned” to Victory Mission in Springfield, Missouri, where his life began to change.
At Victory Mission, James committed himself to completing the “Restoration Program.” Part of the program includes participation in New Pathways for Good Dads for all men who are fathers. It also involves an opportunity to be part of Jobs for Life. Though it wasn’t always easy to work through issues from his past, James was determined to make something different of his life. When he applied for a position at SMC Packaging in Springfield, he was one of three out of 17 applicants to be hired for the open positions. Today he speaks proudly of the promotions he has earned at SMC Packaging and the way it has changed his life. “I have vacation days, benefits and things people told me I would never have,” he says.
James also noted how his attitude changed with regard to supporting his children. “I used to resent having to pay,” he said, “because the boys’ mother made more money than me. Today I’m happy to do my part because they are my children.”
What difference does a supportive environment, a job and new confidence make for someone like James? You could ask his sons, ages 7 and 10. They would tell you that their dad planned a first ever birthday party last December, took them shoe shopping for new shoes at the beginning of summer, and financed their back-to-school shopping this fall. Following that, he arranged for family photos. One proudly features James with his boys with a sign proclaiming, “Thank you for giving us our dad back.”
Hear more of James' story in this Good Dads podcast.
New Pathways for Good Dads is a Good Dads program made possible by a Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood contract through the State of Missouri's Department of Social Services, Family Support Division.
Let me explain. I was a network administrator. Sounds much more glamorous than it was. I basically worked for 10 hours straight through the night printing reports, changing out tapes and monitoring multiple screens to make sure nothing went down.
Never quite feeling completely awake and rarely being fully asleep, led to a zombie like state that could make fathering difficult. It also gave me three days a week off and I could do stuff with my kids during the day.
After a long night of work I was reminded that my 8-year-old daughter, Abigail, was signed up for soccer at the local YMCA. Taking her to her first soccer practice sounded like something I could do even with most of my brain already at rest.
I’m not sure how it happened, but an easy trip where I got to watch my kid be coached turned into me coaching… the entire team… for the whole season.
What I learned during that one season of non-competitive, community children's soccer, with teams coached by any warm body, rivaled what years of high school sports had taught me
In high school I suffered from a common ailment known as insecurity. Anxiety joined me on the field. As a starting defender on a large undefeated lacrosse team, I can now look back and say that I was good at it. At the time, I mostly felt like I should do better and wasn't quite sure I was ever good enough.
1. Your child's value is never in question regardless of the number of trophies they have.
Coaching kids in soccer taught me they had value before the game ever started. Their value didn't decrease or increase based on performance. Stress, anxiety, performance pressure, and ability comparison is not even a requirement to be excellent at sports. Hinting they will somehow be less of a person in my eyes if they don't out perform others creates “better” results . . . for a time. Like kids who are forced to practice piano, they often do get “better” momentarily. However, when coercive measures are not present, many never touch the instrument again wanting to avoid the unpleasantness associated with it.
2. Find a reason to celebrate your child regularly. (Actually celebrate THEM, not just their performance on the field.)
Modeling joy and celebrating participation naturally leads to great performance without manipulation or condescension. As a young man I unfortunately learned to withhold celebrating myself and others. In fact, I developed a fear of celebrating today's accomplishments. I became dependent on negative motivators that told me that being content or happy with myself and others would take away the passion needed to win. Don't believe this lie. Celebrate often. Celebrate them. Let them celebrate you. Let the simple joy of sports be the awesome motivator it is.
3. Model celebrating and learning from others, even if they are on the other team.
Let them be good at enjoying playing the sport. There are around 8 billion people in the world. If you require your child to be the “best” at anything they only have a 0.00…1% chance of living up to your expectations. (No, I didn't really do the math.) It wasn't until I was well into my adult life that I could actually appreciate the abilities of others. When I was younger I resented anyone with talent because I was supposed to be the “best.” Give your child permission to not be the “best.” You could even give them permission to celebrate others, even those on the other team. Believe it or not, this will not only make them a better person, but will help them learn new skills in their chosen sport. It helps to make them teachable.
4. Help your child discover and pursue THEIR passions. (When they want to play a position or sport different than what you want for them, build their confidence by letting them be right about their choice.)
The team I coached was a children's community league where everyone got to try every position. I once had a parent explain to me that his daughter was more of a forward than a defender and that I should put her in the game more often. He was basically telling me how much better she was than the other kids. This is a common assumption of insecure parents. I gently went to his daughter, knelt down and asked her if she would like to play. As I had suspected, she didn't even want to play. As fathers we can often be so overly concerned with our child outperforming the other kids that we lose sight of their heart, their desire. Give them permission to have passions different than yours. Let them explore sports and team positions you wouldn't have chosen for them.
5. Your child’s safety and the safety of others is always the greatest win. (This includes not just physically safety, but also emotional, mental and social well being.)
The young YMCA youth soccer gentleman that recruited volunteers such as myself, also oversaw multiple Saturday morning games. When we ended up with too few kids for our game he decided that both teams of kids would be combined and play against the adults. For safety reasons both goalies were played by adults. We gently passed the ball to each other and cheered the kids on.
Then it happened. That young man almost lost his life! I’m 6’4” and came very close to showing him my full contact skills. He thought all the kids were out of the way and decided to treat this as a professional game. Kicking the ball as hard as he could toward the adult goalie he nailed my daughter, Abigail, knocking her to the ground and completely knocking the wind out of her. She lay on the grass in pain and panicking to breath. I made a split second decision between introducing my recruiter to a combat sport and holding my girl.
Safety first. Be more concerned about your child's safety than their performance. Not just physically, but emotionally and socially as well. You could even demonstrate being concerned with the welfare of others over “winning.” It may seem simple to you, but for me on that field that day it was a huge “win” to keep my cool and accept that young man’s heart felt apology. He truly didn't see my daughter. He really did feel bad about hurting her. His safety was important too. Verbal and/or physical violence would have done no good. As their coach it would have only modeled really bad behavior.
Sports are a wonderful way for fathers to celebrate who their children are regardless of their skill level. It is a great environment for fathers to give their children permission to communicate THEIR heart and pursue THEIR passions. Sports are the ideal place for fathers to demonstrate that their child's safety and the safety of others is always a “win.”
And lastly, it is within the context of sports that fathers have one of the best opportunities to demonstrate the power of being kind. As a friend recently told me, “it is nice to be important, but it is even more important to be nice.”
(Raymond) Dirk Rowe is an Outreach Chaplain at Victory Mission & Ministry in Springfield, Missouri. He had the honor of hosting the first Good Dads class at Victory Mission and has greatly enjoyed seeing this amazing opportunity grow into multiple classes around Springfield.
Getting kids to learn the value of work is no easy task. When you throw in a couple of parents who most likely were raised with varying views of chores, allowances, and the appropriate age to start working at an outside job finding level ground about teaching children about work and why it is important can be especially challenging. Instructing and modeling in this area of parenting–-though it will require some “work” from the grownups--pays off for our children, not just for the future of their respective finances, but also for the future of their respective character.
Though I was the oldest and my wife was the baby, we both were raised by hard-working parents. We grew up watching our moms and dads work faithfully and fervently at everything they did. However, when it came to what was required of us as children, that’s when things took a turn. As the oldest, my dad pushed me to work on my grandparents' dairy farm years before my teens. In addition, I had chores in and outside of our house, plus I was expected to earn money from outside employment as soon as I was of age. My teen years were spent doing all of the typical things from playing sports to making sure grades were up to parental standards, plus holding down various jobs.
My wife, while raised with high standards of manners and overall behaviors, was a surprise child and the only girl, arriving years after three brothers. Her parents would not tolerate poor attitude, disrespect, unkindness, or ungratefulness, but they felt that outside of an occasional babysitting job her primary “work” was related to school.
When our boys came along, three in rapid succession, we quickly found ourselves not at odds, but struggling to find our own rhythm in teaching our boys to be workers.
The first discussion we had regarding our own children and work, or “chores,” came when they were only two, four, and six. One night, my wife dumped a load of clean towels on the couch to fold. As I grabbed one, I said, “Hey, why aren’t the boys helping us fold these?”
She replied, "You want our gooey-fingered, booger-picking, Tasmanian Devil of a two-year-old folding your bath towel?”
I grimaced a bit and answered, “Well, maybe after we wash his hands.”
So, that night she called them in and gave the oldest the bath towels, the middle the hand towels, and the baby the wash cloths. It wasn’t long before the elder brother folded towels like the head housekeeper at the Ritz. The hand towels were so-so, but the wash cloths looked like an elephant had stomped on them . . . after someone had already used them.
At first, my wife refolded them, but finally came to the conclusion that if the boys always saw her redoing their work–-especially work they were proud of--it would defeat the purpose.
One time, when my in-laws were visiting, they watched my wife put away some not-so-perfectly-folded towels. My father-in-law asked my mother-in-law if she could have tolerated putting such poorly folded linens in the cabinet. When my mother-in-law answered, “No. I don’t think you or I could have,” my father-in-law responded, “Well, we should have.”
I realize towel folding is not a huge life skill that will bring in large amounts of money in our children’s futures, but it is a start. As the boys grow, both mentally and physically, they were able to take on more responsibility in and around our home. These tasks not only helped our family, but also gave them a necessary life skills and a sense of accomplishment. They weeded flower beds, hauled gravel, mowed lawns, cleaned baseboards (those young knees could take it far better than mine or my wife’s), split firewood, and eventually helped our neighbors and many others--all for free.
Though as adults we absolutely equate work with money, how we attain and do those “big people” jobs is greatly affected by our skill and attitude toward the “w” word itself. Skill and attitude are often acquired by learning how to willingly put all of our effort into doing something as small as folding a washcloth.
Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.